RANT: When one door closes...

This is the first draft of a monologue from an upcoming script I'm writing:

When one door closes a window might open somewhere... but I'm not a criminal. Why do I want to crawl through a window? What if it's not on the first floor? I should be grateful to shimmy up opportunity's trellis and break into her third floor bedroom? Have you ever crawled through a window? It sucks. You always end up sliding on your stomach and hurting yourself when you land hard on the floor.

Additionally, I've never closed a door and opened a window personally. I don't enter my house and night and immediately crack the window in my dining room, unless of course it's stuffy and needs more airflow. But for that to happen every single time, it's just not realistic. Who would do that? A crazy, fickle b*&%h, that's who. Plus, that sort of behavior is sure to alert the police. 

Besides, it's way easier to go through a door. So, next time opportunity closes a door for me, I'd appreciate it if another DOOR opened. Preferably close to the previous one so I don't have to expend that much energy. After all, I'm tired from all the windows I've had to climb through.